If Only She Knew
by miss-motormouth
Summary: Angel and Cordy are married when Buffy realises her feelings for Angel.
1. Part 1: Buffy

1 Title: If Only She Knew Part 1/?  
  
Author: Emily  
  
Rating: PG 13  
  
Timescale: Set five years after season six of Buffy and season three of Angel.  
  
Pairings: A/C – no, I don't like it, mention of B/S, some Cordy/Spike, some Dawn/Spike and B/A of course.  
  
Summary: Angel and Cordy are married when Buffy realises her feelings for Angel.  
  
Dedication: To Michelle Branch for making great music. To Sarah Michelle Gellar 'cause I think she believes. To B/A 'shippers because we deserve a happy ending and more importantly, so do Buffy and Angel.  
  
Feedback: Feedback would be *so* appreciated, good, bad, constructive, I don't mind. Just feedback me please, it will make my day :) emily.balls@tinyworld.co.uk or pipergal33@yahoo.co.uk  
  
Distribution: My site Wild Horses, anywhere else just ask :)  
  
2  
  
I know she loves you and I can't interfere  
  
So I'll just have to sit back and watch  
  
My world disappear  
  
- If Only She Knew, Michelle Branch  
  
3 Part 1: Buffy  
  
I still love him. The scary thing is I never stopped. I suddenly realise this and it's too late. All these years are gone and I could have told him. I could have just got on a bus and went to see him. Told him then and there, as simple as that. But now it really is too late. He *married* her. Isn't that final? He married her and I suddenly realised and then everything shattered. It was some time last year, he's human now of course. I'm told she looked beautiful and that he was handsome and it was a fairytale wedding - in a church with flowers and candles and so goddamn perfect.  
  
The sixteen year old inside of me that's been buried for so long is screaming that it should have been *me*. I was meant to marry him, my Angel, in a church with a beautiful dress and then we would have walked out into the sunlight together. He would have tilted my head back and kissed me and I would just *know* that my life was finally okay.  
  
We said it was forever and even after years apart I still believed in that forever. That one day things would work out because he was my true love. My soulmate. Now I don't even know what that means.  
  
I'd spent my whole life *waiting*. Waiting for him to turn human and tell me that he loved me. For us to have that happy ending. And now he is human, just like I always wanted, but he's not *mine* anymore and if I'm honest with myself he hasn't been for a long time. For him to be human and then marry Cordelia is just wrong. I see them together laughing and smiling, his lips nuzzling her neck – God, I remember those lips – and I want to shout it out.  
  
Cordy likes to rub it in that Angel is finally hers. It takes all I have not to hit her. She has no idea what real love is. Oh, I don't doubt that she loves him. But not like I did… do. She can't understand what its like to cry over someone until there are no tears left. To give them your *everything*. To have them leave you and your world fall to pieces. But I can't blame her for this. I can't even blame him. If only I had known. It's so ironic that I would only have figured out that I loved him after he married her. But even if I had known before, what would I have done? Done a Rachel, stormed into the wedding to tell him and then realised that I couldn't ruin this.  
  
I haven't had a boyfriend for a couple of years. Oh sure I've been on dates but anyone other than Angel just seems wrong. The thing I had with Spike, it just fizzled out, ended. Screwing him senseless didn't help with any of it. Lying on a cold stone floor as he went inside me, Angel's face filled my head. And I pretended he was Angel but that didn't help either. And Angel, the real thing, he was in Los Angeles flirting with Cordelia while back in Sunnydale my life slowly splintered to nothing.  
  
I left Sunnydale five years ago and came to LA. The memories were just too much there. But now with them together I wonder if the memories weren't less painful. It was three years ago when I stopped being the Slayer. It wasn't like I just quit. Faith died in prison. She was always so *strong* and full of life. I don't understand how she could have just died, faded away. Poor misunderstood Faith. She never wanted my sympathy but now it's all I have to give her.  
  
A new Slayer was called. Her name is Michele and she's sixteen. She's pretty too, with short sleek dark hair and eyes that crinkle up when she laughs. And she's nice; I can't hate her for taking my job. She's not like Kendra and serious all the time but not at all like Faith either. Apparently she's like me. That's what Angel said and I remember being like that, years ago. I wonder if he knows that that part of me is gone now. At first we slayed along side but after a while I just stopped. It's better she does it, at least she cares about what she's fighting for. I stopped caring a while back, something else Angel doesn't know. Sure I'll slay a vampire if I see one. Sometimes I even go and look for them on purpose after another dinner with Cordy and Angel.  
  
Anya and Xander come to their stupid dinner parties - like we're all friends and Angel and I were never together – sometimes too. Xander practically begged her to take him back which is kind of romantic, Anya loves him of course and so she did. They got married a couple of years back. I went to that wedding but something about weddings tears me up inside. They make me bitter. Sometimes Dawn visits from San Francisco and has a meal with us. Spike turns up, invited or not and is almost civil to everyone. It's all so awkward. People try to make polite conversation. Cordelia touches him all the time and laughs loudly at Spike's dirty jokes. She tells us about her latest acting job and I bite my lip to keep myself from slipping some comment out. Anya makes blunt comments – still – and we try and pretend she never said anything because sometimes it hurts. Maybe it's just me that wants to cry when she talks about Angel and me and maybe Angel is okay with it. BuffyandAngel is of the past to him. To everyone apart from me.  
  
Spike and I are even semi friends. He doesn't look at me like he did before and I am so relieved. Sometimes he flirts with Dawnie but I don't mind. I hardly ever see Willow and I miss her. She's the only person I could tell about Angel. But she left for England with Tara a while back, to visit Giles and they decided to stay for a few weeks. Weeks have turned into months and she calls me a lot but it's not the same.  
  
Angel never looks at me properly. He avoids my eyes and I don't know what that means.  
  
I look at my watch and realise it's nearly midnight. I pick up a stake, my eyes spotting it easily in the dimly lit apartment and swing open the door. Might as well work off some of this aggression. 


	2. Part 2: Cordelia

1 Title: If Only She Knew Part 2/?  
  
Author: Emily  
  
Rating: PG 13  
  
Timescale: Set five years after season six of Buffy and season three of Angel.  
  
Pairings throughout series: A/C – no, I don't like it, mention of B/S, some Cordy/Spike, some Dawn/Spike, Anya/Xander and B/A of course.  
  
Summary: Angel and Cordy are married when Buffy realises her feelings for Angel. Angsty yeah. But believe me, they'll get their happy ending.  
  
Dedication: CC, Sara, thank you for the feedback!  
  
Feedback: Feedback would be *so* appreciated, good, bad, constructive, I don't mind. Just feedback me please, it will make my day :) emily.balls@tinyworld.co.uk or pipergal33@yahoo.co.uk  
  
Distribution: My site Wild Horses, Eternal Love, anywhere else just ask :)  
  
  
  
I try to let it go  
  
2 But I don't know if I can take it  
  
- If Only She Knew, Michelle Branch  
  
  
  
Part 2: Cordelia  
  
I glance across at him and still don't know what he's thinking. Sighing, I pull him against me for a kiss. Angel's lips brush mine briefly before pulling away.  
  
" What's wrong?" I demand, tact having never been my forte. What's the point? His arm is warm around my back but I can feel that something is wrong.  
  
" Nothing" Angel lies. I may not be able to read him well but something's up. I try to ignore the thought that he's thinking about her.  
  
" I thought I heard a noise" Angel says quickly.  
  
I pull away from him and glance around. Dark alley. Whole bunch of dustbins but nothing threatening.  
  
" Like what? Killer bins?" I look across at him.  
  
" Cordelia..." He starts to say.  
  
A loud clattering and banging interrupts him. I gasp a little, jumping out of the way as a bin rolls in my direction. Killer bins, oh yeah. Buffy kicked an ugly vampire towards us – I swear Angel and oh maybe Spike are the only cute vampires. But past tense in Angel's case, because no longer a vampire.  
  
Angel grabs the vampire and pins it against the wall. Sometimes he forgets he is human now, no super strength. It easily pushes him away and runs towards Buffy, landing neatly on her stake.  
  
I run across to Angel, concerned " Angel? Honey, are you alright?"  
  
Out of the corner of my eye I saw Buffy stop in mid run. Checking if he was okay. I hate it how she does that. Buffy just assumes that he is still *hers* somehow, and he's really not. It's not her responsibility to protect him. She doesn't get to look after him when he's hurt anymore.  
  
I help him up and look across at Buffy. She was always so perfect, pretty and *nice*. Not like me, I was such a bitch back then and I just didn't care. She cared though, she spent all of High School saving the world while I got facials and went to the Prom. Well no, I wasn't *that* shallow, I mean, I helped but all my life I had thought that just being me was fine. It didn't matter what problems the world had because other people would deal with them.  
  
And then she turned up and suddenly there was this whole other thing and I thought hey maybe, there was more to life, maybe I wasn't okay as I was.  
  
A flush covers Buffy's cheeks, like she's so innocent. Innocent, my ass. After Angel left she promptly moved on to boyfriend number two, with a couple of one night stands along the way, or so I hear. I'm not saying that I'm perfect. Hell, I've had men. But at least I don't act like she does.  
  
And to be honest, what pisses me off is that she had Angel before me. He was hers, in a bigger way than he'll ever be mine. He loved her and I don't know if he ever stopped. We make love every night and as he looks down on me, eyes half closed, half open, I wonder who he sees.  
  
At the wedding he paused. The bastard paused. I said 'I take thee Angel...'. Then it was his turn. He paused before he said the words and I tried not to cry. Hey, it could've been worse, he could have said her name. I shouldn't make a joke out of this but that seems to be what I've always done.  
  
I do love him though, I think I do. I don't know if I love him enough is all.  
  
God, I don't know anything.  
  
" Buffy" I say, looking her down. Long black jacket with fur on the collar, those tight leather trousers Angel seems to dig – which yeah, look great on *him* - and a small white top. She's twenty six for godssakes. Why can't she quit dressing like a teenager? I also hate the way Buffy manages to look so beautiful whenever she turns up and the way Angel looks at her then. I could walk into a room in one of a kind Gucci and she could walk in wearing shorts and a t-shirt and all he would see would be her.  
  
" I guess this is what happens if you replace a social life with killing things. When was the last time you washed your hair?" I smile.  
  
There was a time when she would have said something but this new and strangely quiet Buffy looks down, red spreading across her face. Her hair isn't that bad actually. I feel Angel's eyes on me but somehow I don't care. If he has a problem with me insulting his precious Buffy then he could just go ahead and say so. Of course he doesn't, he never does.  
  
" Well, we'll see you on Sunday for dinner. Try and look good then "  
  
Buffy raised her head. " Why do you even invite me to your lame dinner parties?" She demands, hair swinging around her shoulders and eyes flashing. I smile, knowing I pissed her off.  
  
" 'Cause we enjoy your company?" I suggest bitchily. Damn, I don't know what's wrong with me tonight.  
  
She rolls her eyes. " Or maybe you just want to rub it in"  
  
" Rub what in exactly? The fact that I *have* a job and a house? The fact that I'm married? The fact that I'm married to Angel and you're not?" I ask spitefully and instantly regret the words. I don't want to know that she still loves him, that maybe he loves her too. I don't want to make her cry and I don't want him to comfort her.  
  
Buffy turns, dropping the stake and walks quickly away.  
  
Angel grabs me by the shoulders and spins me harshly to face him.  
  
" What did you say that for?"  
  
I say nothing and wrench free of him.  
  
" Why don't you go see how the hell she is? Isn't that what you do? Help the helpless?"  
  
Angel lets go of me roughly and I nearly fall, tripping on the heels of my shoes. His arms catch me before I fall, pulling me up, his eyes studying mine. I bite my lip but don't manage to stop tears trickling down my face.  
  
" Do you love her?" The words slip from my mouth before I can stop myself.  
  
Angel looks at me, frowning, wondering why I'm asking. He pauses – again, damn him - and then I *know*. The tears carry on falling and he doesn't stroke them away.  
  
" I love you" Angel says much too late not exactly meeting my eyes. And maybe he does. But he's not *in* love with me and that's what counts. I feel sad and wonder if he ever was. No - I'm sure he was once and I was too. I used to be so in love with him that nothing else mattered but things have changed, I want to blame her but I can't. It's not just him either - I don't need him like oxygen anymore and that's sad. I can't pinpoint the exact moment things changed, but I guess that doesn't matter. The point is that they did.  
  
" I'd better go see if Buffy's okay" Angel added, a hand absently touching my hair.  
  
" You shouldn't have said that to her." There's a hint of the old Angel in his voice. The Angel that I fell in love with who was *strong* and dark and handsome and such a mystery. He's still as handsome as ever but that strength I admired so much seems to have faded away with time. Now we sit and talk about the weather, God he even wants kids.  
  
"I know" I say, being honest for once.  
  
I wipe my eyes and force a smile. " See you later"  
  
As he turns I run my hands through my hair resolutely, an idea forming in my mind. I have to do something. Anything. 


	3. Part 3: Xander

1 Title: If Only She Knew Part 3/?  
  
Author: Emily  
  
Rating: PG 13  
  
Timescale: Set five years after season six of Buffy and season three of Angel.  
  
Pairings throughout series: A/C – no, I don't like it, mention of B/S, some Cordy/Spike, Anya/Xander, some Dawn/Spike and B/A of course.  
  
Summary: Angel and Cordy are married when Buffy realises her feelings for Angel. Angsty yeah. But believe me, they'll get their happy ending.  
  
Feedback: Feedback would be *so* appreciated, good, bad, constructive, I don't mind. Just feedback me please, it will make my day :) emily.balls@tinyworld.co.uk or pipergal33@yahoo.co.uk  
  
Distribution: My site Wild Horses, Eternal Love, anywhere else just ask :)  
  
  
  
2 I try to help you out through the hardest of times  
  
Your heart is in your throat and I'm speaking my mind  
  
- If Only She Knew, Michelle Branch  
  
  
  
Part 3: Xander  
  
" She still loves him" Anya says lazily, tracing her fingers across my chest.  
  
" What?" I ask, lifting her off me.  
  
" Buffy. And Angel. It's obvious." She tells me, rolling her eyes like I should have known.  
  
" Ahn, that was a lifetime ago" I mutter.  
  
" What, six, seven years? That's not a long time, Xander. It's the lifetime of a seven-year-old child that got run down by a truck. But for them, hardly a lifetime. Especially Angel, he's lived for hundreds of years. It doesn't matter how long ago it was, believe me. I was a vengeance demon for *thousands* of years, I think I know when two people are in love." Her lips curve in a smile as she says this and then lightly press against my ear.  
  
" But Angel's *married* to Cordy" I protest, not pushing her away.  
  
She shrugs. " Doesn't matter. Besides Cordelia's not exactly – " Anya stops in mid sentence as though it's something she can't say. Tact from Anya? That's what I love about her anyway, the way she says exactly what she thinks.  
  
" Not exactly what?"  
  
" Nothing" She says quickly, shaking her head fast so her hair shimmers in the faint light of our bedroom.  
  
Anya kisses me lightly and I forget about everything else.  
  
* * *  
  
I was surprised when I heard about Cordy and Angel. Sure, back in *High School* she'd had a thing for him. But that was a long time ago, maybe not to Anya, but for the rest of us, it was. It seems so long ago. I was dating – if you can call it that – Cordy, Willow and Oz were together and so were Buffy and Angel, in a weird, complicated way that made no sense to anyone but them. I never liked Angel, and well I don't exactly now. I can't even call him Dead Boy anymore now that he's human.  
  
I was on my driving tour of America – I finally went on the road – with Anya in a motel in Nebraska when we found out about the humanity thing. Will called and told us, I asked how Buffy was taking it and Willow went quiet and mumbled something about Cordelia. At first I thought she was kidding, 'cause Angel and Cordy? Bizarro land. Anya said that it was because they had been working so closely together for years and if you were friends with someone that long it was inevitable that it would turn to romance. Or that she was a Buffy substitute. But we visited them when we came back from our trip and they really seemed to be in love. It was kinda gross actually. They spent all their time kissing and groping – in public too – which is just rude. Anya and I would never do that…except sometimes when we do, do that.  
  
Buffy really did *seem* to be taking things okay – she never cried but that didn't fool me. I could tell she was just hanging on. She never confided in me though, or even Willow. The person she did talk to about this Angel thing was Tara. I saw them talking sometimes and Buffy cried a little and Tara hugged her. I always thought it was strange that she would turn to Tara and not her oldest friends but maybe Tara had some distance from the situation. I know that after my attitude to Angel, Buffy wasn't exactly going to have share time with me. I wish she had though.  
  
I guess it makes sense that she still loves him. There was Angel and that was really it. Riley, Scott and Parker sure, and I even suspected that something went on with Spike but none of them mattered to her. Not like he did. And yeah, I was jealous. I don't have feelings for Buffy anymore but I remember the time when I did. Jealousy like that could kill you.  
  
" Xander?"  
  
I look up and Cordelia's standing there. Looking as beautiful as ever in a sparkling turquoise dress but there's a faint sheen on her cheeks that could be tearstains.  
  
" Hey Cordy"  
  
She nods a little in greeting and then all is business, " Is Anya around?"  
  
" Yeah, she's in the kitchen"  
  
Cordy breezes in and I take this as a signal to leave.  
  
" Just going out for a walk" I call out and there is no answer. Hearing a gabble of voices from the kitchen I roll my eyes and might as well be invisible when these two get talking. Anya and Cordy have become quite close friends now actually. They go to movies and paint their nails together - sometimes we even have to go on double dates. And there was me thinking the point of marriage was not to have to go on any more dates. The girls sweep away to the bathroom and I'm left to try and make conversation with Dead Boy – I need a new name for him. Man, I thought I was a nerd but it turns out Angel has a passion for old sci-fi movies and the ballet. Which is just so much worse than having a Backstreet Boys lunchbox and all the Jonathan collectable cards.  
  
Speaking of Jonathan, I see him around sometimes. Buffy's not exactly friendly towards him after the whole deal where he tried to kill her and all but sometimes he comes round and we hang out and play video games. I prefer that to having to go watch the ballet with Angel and everyone anyway. Anya says she enjoys the men in tights and suggests I invest in some – which I will *never* be doing. Cordy brings a magazine or does her hair. Angel watches, eyes glued to the stage while I sleep too. Apparently it's special to them because that's when Angel realised his feelings for her or some lame story like that. They tell it practically every week and it never gets interesting.  
  
I miss the way things used to be. Back in High School, it was all so simple. At the time we thought it was complicated and crazy but now it doesn't seem so bad. Joyce was alive then. Buffy hadn't been to heaven. I had never left Anya at the altar. Willow hadn't got so caught up in magic that everything went wrong. Spike wasn't all googly eyed over Buffy. Dawn wasn't stealing things. Angel hadn't left – I can't believe I'm thinking this – and things with him and Buffy were remotely normal. Cordy was just Cordy, sure sometimes she was a bitch but that was who she was. Faith was alive. Angel wasn't drooling all over Cor and he most definitely didn't dig ballet. If someone had told me ten years ago – and now it hits me, it's been *ten* years – that all this would happen I would have laughed. It's been ten years since I was sixteen and Buffy arrived and this all started. But I think that if Buffy hadn't come then my life would be different, and not in a good way. I don't think I'd have Anya or any of this. I guess it's been good in a strange, crazy way.  
  
But for her? I don't know. 


	4. Part 4: Angel

1 Title: If Only She Knew Part 4/?  
  
Author: Emily  
  
Rating: PG 13  
  
Timescale: Set five years after season six of Buffy and season three of Angel.  
  
Pairings throughout series: A/C – no, I don't like it, mention of B/S, some Cordy/Spike, Anya/Xander, some Dawn/Spike and B/A of course.  
  
Summary: Angel and Cordy are married when Buffy realises her feelings for Angel. Angsty yeah. But believe me, they'll get their happy ending.  
  
Dedication: To David Boreanaz and Sarah Michelle Gellar for breathing (in a not breathing sense in Angel's case) life into Buffy and Angel, and making me cry more times than I can count.  
  
Feedback: Feedback would be *so* appreciated, good, bad, constructive, I don't mind. Just feedback me please, it will make my day :) emily.balls@tinyworld.co.uk or pipergal33@yahoo.co.uk  
  
Distribution: My site Wild Horses, Eternal Love, anywhere else just ask :)  
  
'Cause the way you looked at me made me see  
  
2 That I can't really fake it'  
  
- If Only She Knew, Michelle Branch  
  
  
  
2.1 Part 4: Angel  
  
A flash of long honey hair catches the light of a nearby street lamp.  
  
I remember how her hair shimmered in the sunlight and it was the most beautiful thing I had ever seen.  
  
" Buffy?" I yell out for the second time. Finally, reluctantly she stops and waits for me to catch up with her.  
  
" You don't have to apologise for her " is all that she says, turning away.  
  
" You're okay?"  
  
" I'm peachy. Just great actually." Buffy looks straight at me this time, all sorts of things showing in her eyes and I have to look away because it's too much.  
  
" I'm sorry" The words spill out before I can stop them.  
  
She raises her head slightly and silver from her necklace shines. " What are you apologising for?"  
  
" You still have that" I say , it's not a question. The necklace I gave her the night we met glints a little and memory floods me.  
  
I remember the way it burnt my skin and I didn't care.  
  
It's not like I had ever forgotten, just let the memories lie a while. Sometimes I would see something or hear something that would remind me of something we had said or done and I would turn to my side and then it would be Cordelia there – not Buffy - and the words would stop in my throat.  
  
" Yeah." Buffy says flatly. " Would you like it back? Or hey, maybe you could give it to Cordy. Oh wait, I forgot - silver's not in this season. Life's a bitch huh? "  
  
Bitterness hits me. Hard. And I reach for something, anything, but there doesn't seem to be much left to hold on to.  
  
" I'm sorry I wasn't there."  
  
Buffy looks startled but raises her shoulders in a shrug. " I dealed"  
  
She pauses and her lips tremble slightly like they always used to. Sometimes when I touched them and sometimes when she cried.  
  
I remember the way her lips felt against mine.  
  
" Why did you marry Cordelia?" There's a slight catch in her voice as she says it and I don't know what to say.  
  
The truth...that I really did love her and I thought that maybe I could be happy with her. Feel things I hadn't felt since I'd held Buffy in my arms and she had heard my heartbeat but somehow everything turned out different from the way I planned. That maybe it was easier to be with Cordy, because she didn't try to know me and see me like Buffy had. That sometimes I lay awake at night and felt so guilty because she loves me and I love her but not like with Buffy. That I could never have Buffy but Cordelia was beautiful and smart and cared so why not? That whenever I see Buffy now it hurts and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. That everything was almost perfect when Buffy was gone – because I didn't have to remember - but now she's here and I can't help but remember.  
  
And I'm sorry.  
  
" I..." How can I tell her that now? How can I say it out loud and then go home and sleep in Cordelia's arms?  
  
Her lips twitch in a smile at my loss for words. " It doesn't matter. What's done is done. You moved on. So did I. I just never thought you'd move on to Cordy is all"  
  
I don't think Buffy knows just how little I moved on.  
  
" I can hardly talk." She says softly to herself.  
  
I frown, " You mean Riley?"  
  
She laughs, " No. Not quite. It was just this...thing, a long time ago."  
  
" What thing?" I ask.  
  
Buffy shakes her head and I realise that I've been gone from her life for too long to have the right to know these things.  
  
A slight noise breaks the silence and Buffy whips a stake from her pocket.  
  
" Stay there" She instructs me. I almost protest but then stop. I'm not a vampire anymore, I can't fight beside her like I used to.  
  
" Oh great" Buffy mutters as a couple of vampires emerge. " Is Michele even patrolling tonight?"  
  
" She went out a while back. Um, she said something about a quick patrol and then a party."  
  
Buffy starts to roll her eyes but then stops. " Hey, can't blame the girl for wanting to have some fun" She passes me a stake as she snap kicks one of the vampires.  
  
I watch as she executes a perfect series of kicks and punches against vampire number one before pinning it against a wall. I watch and I don't notice the second vampire until I'm on the ground.  
  
I struggle with the stake as it pushes me down but my strength is nothing compared to it's. The vampire spins the sharp wooden point so it's facing towards me.  
  
I suddenly find my voice. " Buffy!"  
  
She turns, as dust falls behind her and runs in a few steps to where I am. The stake presses into my chest and I wait to join the other vampire as dust. Yet instead I feel a sharp pain and watch as blood starts to leak through to my shirt. I've been human for three years now but sometimes I still forget.  
  
Buffy pushes the vampire off me, dismissing it with a quick thrust of the stake to the heart.  
  
" Angel!" She exclaims, pulling me upright and her eyes fall on the wound. " You got staked?"  
  
She frowns. " Can you walk? We'd better go to my place. It's closest."  
  
Buffy pauses a minute, " Does it hurt?"  
  
Her eyes meet mine in the dark.  
  
I nod, feeling so weak.  
  
" Happened to me once" She tells me, and a hand almost reaches out to touch my shoulder but then it stops.  
  
Buffy sighs and I don't know if it's at me or because of me and takes my arm.  
  
We walk along and five minutes away is an apartment building.  
  
Buffy pushes open the door, and helps me into the lift.  
  
A couple of people stare as my jacket hangs open and the red on my t shirt shows through.  
  
Buffy notices and reaches out to close it, her fingers fumbling a little.  
  
I remember how her fingers used to fumble just a little when she touched me.  
  
She turns to smile at them. " Wine can be awful messy huh?" Buffy asks with a grin to the other lift passengers. An elderly woman raises an eyebrow in her direction and then scowls. Buffy bends her head so as not to laugh.  
  
Finally we reach the second floor and her apartment – I think. I've never been here before and it's sad that I don't even know where she lives.  
  
She flicks on the light, letting go of me.  
  
" You live here?" I look around, it's small and nothing like the house where I live with Cordy. A bed, desk, little bookshelf and two doors, leading to the bathroom and kitchen I figure.  
  
" Now you see why I never invite you guys round for dinner."  
  
Buffy reaches in a drawer for bandages and medical things.  
  
I take my jacket off and study the floor – green carpet – feeling awkward.  
  
" I see Cordy finally got you out of black and whites." Buffy observes, looking at my royal blue t shirt.  
  
" I prefer the dark look." She adds with a shrug, " In general I mean. On people in general." Buffy says quickly and I smile.  
  
" Okay." She says. " Then um you'd better take your shirt off. This shouldn't be awkward." Buffy adds. " I mean, we've done this before y'know. The bandaging and the shirt off. Heck, I've seen you naked before...oh my God. I didn't mean to say that. Let's pretend I didn't say that" She bites her lip and studies the ground for a second.  
  
"Okay" I say quietly and déjà vu sweeps over me just a little.  
  
I remember standing in her bedroom.  
  
And it was ten years ago. Ten years is a long time in human years but suddenly, here with her again it feels like yesterday.  
  
Quickly I take my shirt off, and look straight ahead, my eyes scanning the titles on her bookshelves as she starts to bandage up the wound. Buffy's fingers slip a little as she ties the bandage and I want so badly to reach for her hands and hold them in place.  
  
" Okay" She repeats, pulling them away quickly and passes me the bloodstained shirt.  
  
" I would give you one that's not covered in blood but I don't have a whole lot of men's clothing in here"  
  
" It's fine" I say. "Thanks"  
  
" No problem" Buffy says, her eyes anywhere but looking at me.  
  
In a couple of quick steps she walks to the door, and opens it. " Are you okay walking by yourself?"  
  
I remember how I used to walk her home.  
  
And we would stop a few houses away – so Joyce wouldn't see us – and kiss. Then I would take her to her door and we would say goodnight. I would always turn and look at her one last time before I returned to the night. Sometimes she would turn around to look for me but I would be gone.  
  
I nod. " I'll see you later"  
  
She nods too and neither of us moves.  
  
" Buffy..." I start to say and there's so much to say I don't know where I would start. And I shouldn't say any of it but I want to.  
  
Buffy shakes her head a little, her eyes briefly meeting mine. I tear mine away from hers.  
  
" Later" She confirms and holds the door open a little more.  
  
I walk through the open door and her hair brushes against my face.  
  
Damn, this is all too much. I miss her, I miss it all. And I shouldn't. 


	5. Part 5: Anya

1 Title: If Only She Knew Part 5/?  
  
Author: Emily  
  
Rating: PG 13  
  
Timescale: Set five years after season six of Buffy and season three of Angel.  
  
Pairings throughout series: A/C – no, I don't like it, mention of B/S, some Cordy/Spike, Anya/Xander, some Dawn/Spike and B/A of course.  
  
Summary: Angel and Cordy are married when Buffy realises her feelings for Angel. Angsty yeah. But believe me, they'll get their happy ending.  
  
Dedication: Joss and the writers 'cause they gave us Buffy and Angel even though things don't look too hopeful right now.  
  
Feedback: Feedback would be *so* appreciated, good, bad, constructive, I don't mind. Just feedback me please, it will make my day :) emily.balls@tinyworld.co.uk or pipergal33@yahoo.co.uk  
  
2 Distribution: My site Wild Horses, Eternal Love, anywhere else just ask :)  
  
3  
  
4 " I don't know whose side I'm takin'  
  
5 But I'm not takin' things too well."  
  
- If Only She Knew, Michelle Branch  
  
Part 5: Anya  
  
I swirl my cappuccino round with a spoon, half listening to what Cordelia is saying.  
  
" He loves Buffy" She announces and I look up.  
  
"Oh" I don't know what to say. From what Xander's taught me about tact I don't think, "Yes. I know. Bad luck, Cordy" is quite the right thing to say.  
  
" I mean. I always knew that they had this massive...thing. But he married me and everything was fine. See, Buffy turns up and then things are different." Cordy savagely stabs the foam of her cappuccino.  
  
" I thought you said things were weird before that." I say.  
  
This whole situation is weird if you ask me. I'm supposed to be Buffy's friend as well and Cordelia is telling me things and Buffy might too and what if I turn into a spy type person? If I were Cordy I would just speak to Angel, or Buffy. Taking the long way round problems just screws them up even more.  
  
She sighs. " They were, that's the whole problem. It's not just Buffy's fault. I told you about that guy, right? God, I don't know. I don't want to be one of those washed out has been actresses with a broken marriage!" She complains.  
  
" You're not a washed out has been yet. You're in a movie right? Oooh I know! You could be one of those man-teasing actresses with a whole string of divorces behind her that uses and loses men! That'd be fun, right?"  
  
Cordy looks up at me. Maybe not.  
  
" Just an idea " I mutter.  
  
" It's a better idea than getting pissed and acting like a fool" I say firmly and take the vodka bottle out of her hand and put it back in the cupboard.  
  
" Do you still love him?"  
  
She shrugs helplessly. " I don't know! A part of me wants to just carry on with things like they're normal and fine but they're not and the rest of me wants to end things. Half the time it's like we have this perfect marriage and Angel is just *so*...I don't know, noble? Most of the time he is. I don't deserve him, I really don't. I kind of knew things wouldn't last, even when I married him. He has eternal love with Buffy, I always knew that. And me? I'm not ready for all this, I don't want to have children and live in a nice house. I want to be famous. I want people to see me in the street and know who I am. Is that shallow? Because I had the visions and I helped people, I've done my part. Is it so wrong to do what *I* want now? I loved him and I do still, I guess. But not like it was before. It's not eternal – it never was. When I'm with him I feel like we're just together because of what we used to have, not what we have now. I just... "  
  
I pass her the vodka bottle. Boy, does she need it.  
  
Cordelia laughs and takes a swig. She offers it to me and I accept at first, taking the bottle but then I suddenly remember.  
  
I shake my head and put it down. " I can't"  
  
" You *can't*?" She frowns, confused.  
  
" C'mon, An, getting drunk out of your head will help me feel better." Cordy pleads.  
  
I study the patterns in my drink not sure whether to tell her or not. I only found out two days ago and I haven't even told Xander yet. See, the thing is I'm not too sure how he'll react. What if he doesn't like the idea or something?  
  
I sigh. " I'm kind of pregnant."  
  
" You're pregnant? Oh my God! Anya, that's great! Is it not great?" She asks me, her smile fading some as she sees my face.  
  
" No, it is great, I guess. But I haven't told Xander. We didn't plan it or anything and what if he doesn't want kids? That's why he got so wigged out about the wedding before. Some asshole demon that I performed vengeance on showed him this vision of our future and it was all bad. Maybe if we have children then it will be... bad."  
  
" Anya, sweetie, you told me that the demon just created that. It wasn't *true* and it's not gonna happen. Look, you'll have the baby and things will be perfect. Nothing bad will happen." Cordy tells me firmly.  
  
" You think?"  
  
" I know so." She says, nodding and smiling.  
  
I start to smile too.  
  
Cordelia grins and leans over to hug me.  
  
" What about when I squirt the child out?" I start and then she starts to laugh.  
  
" Squirt it out?!" Cordy asks, giggling.  
  
" Give birth then. I hear it hurts."  
  
Cordy is still laughing, " You'll be fine."  
  
" Okay. I'll tell Xander when he gets back. Are you sure he'll be happy?"  
  
" He'll be ecstatic" She says decidedly.  
  
" What about you? This thing with Angel. I'm sure I could find some vengeance demon friends who'd be more than happy to curse him for all eternity if you like." I offer.  
  
She shakes her head and the sadness returns to her eyes.  
  
" This is prematurely aging you" I announce.  
  
" Oh what, now my skin is suffering too?" Cordy asks, dismally.  
  
I nod and give her a sympathetic smile. " Yeah kind of. But it's mostly in the eyes. Bags."  
  
" I have to go get a facial." She moans.  
  
" And what about Angel?"  
  
" Angel? He doesn't need a facial, he has great skin"  
  
I look at her.  
  
" I know, I just don't want to deal with it right now is all."  
  
The door opens.  
  
" That's gotta be Xander. I'll catch you later, Anya" Cordelia says with a smile and turns to leave.  
  
" You're okay?" I call out.  
  
" Uh huh" I hear her call back and she is so not okay but what can I do?  
  
Xander comes into the kitchen, " Were you guys done talking?"  
  
" Yep." I kiss him quickly.  
  
" Xander? Can I talk to you?" I hesitate a little – this is so much harder than when I practised in my head.  
  
" Isn't that what we're doing?" He says, smiling,  
  
" I guess. You want to sit down?"  
  
Xander sits. " What is it honey?" He looks concerned like I'm about to tell him I have fatal cancer or something.  
  
" Nothing bad. I don't think it's bad."  
  
" An?"  
  
" I'm..." Deep breath. This isn't so hard. I can do this.  
  
" I'm pregnant."  
  
I study his face anxiously waiting for some kind of reaction.  
  
His face breaks into a smile and I breathe in with relief.  
  
" Is it good?" I ask him.  
  
Xander nods a little, his arms enfolding me. " It's wonderful." 


	6. Part 6: Michele

Title: If Only She Knew Part 6/8  
  
Author: Emily  
  
Rating: PG 13  
  
Timeline: Five years after the current seasons of the shows (season six and three)  
  
Pairings throughout fic: A/C – isn't it great how things fall apart?, mention of B/S, Xander/Anya, Cordy/Spike, Dawn/Spike – I really want to include this coupling but I don't know if I have time in the story arc so maybe. It'll be mentioned anyway. B/A – well these are B/A lists, c'mon I could never write a fic without them.  
  
Summary: Buffy realises her feelings for Angel when he's married to Cordy. Angsty I know but I thrive on happy endings. I even wrote a rant about them – which I can't put up at Wild Horses due to the crappiness of my computer – read author's note.  
  
Distribution: Wild Horses, Eternal Love, anywhere else just ask.  
  
Feedback: I'm going through internet withdrawal and feedback will help me! Pipergal33@yahoo.co.uk Please...  
  
Authors Note: My poor computer has been taken away for weeks, maybe a month. I am entirely netless and can only check mail in computing classes at school, where I'm not meant to. It sucks! And I miss my computer, my poor websites won't get updated either *sob* I'm writing this on the crappy computer upstairs which has no internet or paint shop pro or anything. *whimper*. I'm gonna post this at an internet cafe.  
  
If you want to read the first five parts then search through the archives 'cause I only have part 1 up at Wild Horses and only parts two and four on disk. CC could have the whole thing up at Eternal Love, I don't know. They might wipe our hard drive at the computer place but all my files are saved onto this computing guy's hard drive so they're okay but I won't get access to them for a while. They shouldn't wipe it though because it's only the mother board and power supply that are screwed.  
  
Feedback, support etc would be great. I'm going to actually write the story now, lol. Michele for those of you who have forgotten is the new slayer. I explain about her in part 1.  
  
AN2: This part is really long! Nearly 2000 words. Hope you enjoy.  
  
  
  
~ If Only She Knew ~  
  
  
  
1 " I can see inside you're achin' "  
  
- If Only She Knew, Michelle Branch  
  
  
  
Part 6: Michele  
  
Oh God. I shouldn't have seen what I just saw. I really wish I hadn't. Like when you're watching TV and it's your absolute favourite show and then these two characters get it on and it's just icky and you wish you'd never tuned in? Y'know? Like that, except this is real life which is so much worse. I can't believe she would do that to him is all. I've heard them arguing sometimes sure but I can't believe she'd do this.  
  
Okay I should calm down. Breathe. I might have just misinterpreted the situation or something. They could have been rehearsing a *play* or I could have been hallucinating... that's just lame. What's to misinterpret?  
  
Cordy was *kissing* Spike.  
  
He shows up every once in a while and sometimes they flirt. It's no big deal though – Spike flirts with most girls - and even if it was Angel's usually too busy staring at Buffy like a love sick puppy to notice of course. I just came back from a patrol, well okay a party and when I opened the door of Angel and Cordy's place I saw them. Sucking face in a big way. And then they went into her *bedroom*. I was standing there and I didn't move, I was too wigged out. They didn't see me, too busy with the groping and petting and all. A couple of minutes later I realised what was going on.  
  
Angel doesn't have blond hair. The idea of Angel with blond hair is freaking hilarious. And it wasn't Angel. It was dumb of me to think it was him, but for oh say thirty seconds I did. Cordy and Angel are usually at it like rabbits - it was kind of logical to think it was him. If I had my eyes shut.  
  
Then I realised oh so not Angel. But I didn't think it was Spike, just some guy I guess. Then it hit me that it was *Spike*.  
  
Don't get me wrong, I'm a normal red blooded teenager, hell yeah he's hot. I had a crush on him once- hasn't everyone had a crush on Spike? He has a thing for Dawn anyway. It's sweet. And he's too shy to say anything to her but I know Dawnie is just waiting for him to. Spike being shy is a really bizarre image but he's shy around her. Oh my God, if she ever found about this...  
  
Cordy probably threw herself at him. I don't mean that, I'm being mean. They let me stay here, I shouldn't be bitching about her. Although to be honest I'd rather stay with Buffy. Everything is too much here. They have a butler for godssakes. Cordelia is filming her first movie, playing the sister of the main character (which she says should get her a Best Supporting Actress nomination next year) and Angel seems to have quit helping the helpless. They're also completely loaded with money which has to be a plus.  
  
It takes two. Spike probably couldn't turn down sex anyway. I don't know why she did it though. I don't get why. Oh God, Angel. I can't believe that never crossed my mind until now. They do fight sometimes, their marriage isn't as perfect as it looks on the outside but he'll still be devastated when he finds out. When he finds out. What am I supposed to do? Tell everyone? Tell Angel, Dawn? Or Buffy?  
  
I don't know why I think I should tell Buffy. Like 'Hey. Cordy slept with Spike so Angel's yours for the taking'. Dawn told me the saga of Buffy and Angel one day, took about three hours. And it's sad and tragic and I felt so bad for them both. Then I didn't understand why the hell Angel married Cordy if he had this thing with Buffy. Dawn said that he loves her now. Then I felt so bad for Buffy because she's obviously so in love with him still. Anyone can see that. Except for apparently Angel or maybe he just doesn't want to.  
  
I'm sitting outside right now and I have no idea what I'm going to do. It isn't really anything to do with me but I saw them and I can't just pretend I didn't, What I really want to know is *why*.  
  
" Michele?" Cordy sounds unsure for once in her life.  
  
That was um *fast*. How long were they in there, fifteen, twenty minutes? I thought it would take uh longer... actually, no. I don't want to go there. Bad bad bad.  
  
I get up from the steps and turn to face her. She's wearing a bathrobe and her hair isn't as perfect as it usually is. I have to say she has great hair.  
  
" Yeah?" I ask flatly.  
  
" Look, did you see...anything?" She asks.  
  
" Like what? Flying sheep? Fiends from hell? You and Spike?" I add on the last three words quietly. I've said them out loud and this is real now. Boy I wish it wasn't.  
  
She sighs and sits down, running her hands through her hair.  
  
"I didn't mean to" Cordy starts to say.  
  
" So it was an accident?" I ask bitchily and I should quit being such a bitch to her. But she cheated on Angel, that makes her like the uber bitch right? I feel sorry for her though, I don't know why. It's not like we've ever been the bestest of friends or anything but I feel bad for Cordy.  
  
" Things are so screwed up." She ignores my comment and carries on. " With Angel. And Buffy."  
  
" What's Buffy got to do with this?"  
  
" Nothing. Pretty much everything. He's in love with her. I know he used to love me and back then I loved him too but not any more and that's okay I suppose. But Angel falling back in love with her all over again is just too much. It's not *fair*. We never talk about the weirdness between us and the fact that things aren't working. It's not like he'll even care if I screw Spike." She sighs again.  
  
" Cordelia of course he cares."  
  
" Okay so he *cares*. But it's not enough. Angel will be upset when I tell him and I'll feel like a bitch and be sorry but at least things will be sorted out."  
  
" You're going to tell him?" I frown as I start to understand. " Was that the whole point? So you could end things?"  
  
" Kind of." She says in a small voice.  
  
Cordy laughs – and it's bitter. " He doesn't even know that he loves her, God he hasn't realised yet. I think he needs to know. It's better that I end things than that he realises he loves Buffy and leaves me. Maybe they can have that happy ending. " Her hair hangs down veiling her face but I still see a trickle of tears.  
  
Suddenly I feel a rush of sympathy towards Cordy. Okay so she didn't exactly do the right thing but this *is* screwed up. Majorally and completely. Hesitantly I reach over and touch her shoulder.  
  
" Are you okay?"  
  
Cordelia lifts her head and wipes her eyes. " Oh my God, I have to stop this. Crying gives you wrinkles and...and it ruins your skin, not to mention the looking like hell run over by a truck. I'll be fine." She smiles at me, the whole facade wavering slightly.  
  
" And Angel?" I ask.  
  
" He'll be fine too, eventually. That's exactly the problem" Her lips curve in an almost smile.  
  
" Hello pet. Pets"  
  
Spike corrects himself as he sees me.  
  
I roll my eyes and look up at him. He's dressed now – thank God – and standing in front of us. It's still dark but in an hour or so the sun will be up.  
  
" You should go" Cordy says and doesn't look at him.  
  
" That's all I'm good for, making that poof jealous? Or just sleeping with for the hell of it right? Seems that's all anyone wants with me." Spike mutters.  
  
This is a whole big plan right? Spike knew that Cordy was just trying to piss Angel off and he went along with it... I will never understand these people. And they say teenagers are weird?  
  
" Who else are you talking about?" I ask quickly, highly curious now. Who else has used Spike for sex? Really I want to know.  
  
" I'm sure we don't want to know" Cordy says and stands up. " I must look like crap." She moans as she fixes her hair.  
  
" Spike, Dawn's coming to LA in August." I say. Kind of out of the blue and completely un related to anything else. I can hardly believe we're having a normal, well normalish conversation after that.  
  
" And?" He arches an eyebrow.  
  
Why does everything have to be so complicated? Spike and Dawn could just talk to each other. Make with the words. And then possibly smoochies.  
  
" Just thought you might want to know. Also, if you ever want a chance with her I wouldn't advise sleeping around with anyone else. These things have a way of getting back to people." I tell him innocently.  
  
" You're going to tell Dawnie? Michele you can't do that!" Spike protests, starting to panic. Voila. Easy as that. Stupid vampire, of course he cares. And did he even think about Dawn when he slept with Cordelia? Nope. See, that's why he's a stupid vampire.  
  
" I didn't say I was going to tell her." He looks at me. " I won't" I add.  
  
" I'm telling Angel" Cordy announces from behind us.  
  
" Oh great" Spike mutters.  
  
" There's a plus side. Angel can't kick Spike's ass because he's human now. And Buffy won't kill Cordy for this because Angel won't let her." I contribute helpfully and get ignored by them both.  
  
" Better make myself scarce. Nearly sunrise" Spike says turning to leave.  
  
" I have to make myself look better." Cordy tells us. So she's going to make Angel feel like crap and be totally traumatised while she looks stunning? The whole plan would work better if she wasn't looking her best.  
  
" Bye" I say and wave a little. Cordelia disappears into the house and Spike turns round quickly.  
  
" August right?" He asks.  
  
I smile. " The third." He nods and leaves.  
  
And all this time I thought things were fine. Wow. I must have been walking around with my eyes shut. It's strange the way things work out. I always figured that Cordy and Angel would have picture perfect children one day and be getting it on when they were sixty. Obviously not. I would *never* have thought that this would happen. Never. It's so strange. I wonder what's going to happen. Does Cordy move out? Or Angel? And what happens when they see each other in the street or something? I don't understand how things can change so quickly. But if I look back on the last few months it really wasn't that quick, all of this was happening and I never even noticed. So much for Slayer senses huh.  
  
Maybe Buffy's Slayer sense is telling her that Angel's about to get his heart broken. Again. She seems to have this lame theory that he doesn't care anymore and their whole history is nothing and he never loved her all that much in the first place. Such BS. Maybe it's her way of dealing, but hello, she's *not* dealing. Did I mention that this was all too complicated?  
  
tbc  
  
Feedback? Pipergal33@yahoo.co.uk 


	7. Part 7: Angel

Title: If Only She Knew Part 7/8  
  
Author: Emily  
  
Rating: PG 13  
  
Timeline: Five years after the current seasons of the shows (season six and three)  
  
Pairings throughout fic: A/C, mention of B/S, Xander/Anya, Cordy/Spike, Dawn/Spike, B/A of course.  
  
Summary: Buffy realises her feelings for Angel when he's married to Cordy. Angsty I know but I thrive on happy endings  
  
Distribution: Wild Horses, Eternal Love, anywhere else just ask.  
  
Feedback: I'm going through internet withdrawal and feedback will help me! Pipergal33@yahoo.co.uk  
  
Authors Note: My poor computer has been taken away for weeks, maybe a month. I am entirely netless and can only check mail in computing classes at school, where I'm not meant to. It sucks! If you want to read the first five parts then search through the archives 'cause I only have part 1 up at Wild Horses and only parts two and four on disk. CC could have the whole thing up at Eternal Love, I don't know. I can check mail ie: feedback at internet cafe's, school etc but can't update websites. It's quite difficult for me to find a way to send these parts out so feedback would make it all worthwhile.  
  
AN2: Angel's kind of 'oh poor me' ish in this part and a little self involved but y'know what? Watch the show. Witness it. I don't think I write the best Angel, I feel more comfortable writing Buffy and Cordy but this part had to be told from his POV. Hope you guys enjoy.  
  
  
  
~ If Only She Knew ~  
  
  
  
" It feels like I'm starting all over again  
  
The last three years were just pretend"  
  
- Goodbye to You, Michelle Branch  
  
  
  
Part 8: Angel  
  
" Cordy?" I call, wanting to hold her and forget about this all. I want to hear her tell me that things are okay with that Cordelia confidence and smile. And that's all I want. That's all I want and I used to want so much more. Now the only more I want is what I can't have.  
  
She emerges from our bedroom wearing designer jeans and a tank top. Her hair is piled high on her head, a couple of curls cascading down and framing her face. Cordy looks beautiful as always but it's not the same. I look at her and everything blurs until there's only Buffy. That's everything and I wish it wasn't.  
  
" Hey." She says and smiles slightly. " Can we talk?" Cordy asks.  
  
Can we talk. That has to be some of the most ominous words in the English language. Ominous and yet strangely expected.  
  
" Sure" We go into the sitting room.  
  
" Angel..." She starts to say, and taps her fingernails nervously on the polished wood table. Cordelia frowns and I think I know what she wants to say and I'm suddenly relieved.  
  
" I slept with Spike "  
  
That wasn't what I thought she was going to say. This isn't something I ever imagined her saying.  
  
" What?" The words stick in my throat and I can't believe this. A part of me knows I shouldn't be angry or hurt because I betrayed her too. Not in a physical sense, but nonetheless I cheated on her, just by looking at Buffy like I do and thinking things I shouldn't think. I did this to her in a way and I shouldn't be angry. But I am.  
  
" I slept with him" She says quietly and the tapping of her nails drums in my head. I look at her and she looks at me, meeting my gaze levelly.  
  
" Angel. You know things aren't working out."  
  
" So you decided to sleep with Spike?"  
  
" It wasn't exactly like that" She protests.  
  
" Then what exactly was it like?"  
  
Cordelia shrugs helplessly and for a moment I hate her.  
  
" Don't be pissed at me." She says softly.  
  
" How would you like me to react?" I demand.  
  
" Never mind." Cordy stands up. " This would have happened sooner or later anyway. Don't give me that look, Angel. Don't look at me like this was all my fault."  
  
" Whose fault is it then? I wasn't the one having sex with Spike" I snap at her.  
  
She almost smiles. " Sorry" She says quickly and waves a hand. " The images"  
  
" Was it just him? Or this whole damn city?"  
  
The smile fades from her face as I ask.  
  
" There was someone else once. Just some guy I met at a bar. One night thing. It was a couple of days after Buffy showed up in town." Guilt flashes briefly across her face and is replaced by defiance.  
  
" Cordelia, why does everything have to be about Buffy? What about you and me?" I demand.  
  
Twice? She cheated on me twice? And I didn't even know. I didn't *realise* or even notice something was different. I can hardly blame her.  
  
" Because everything is about Buffy to you. Angel, your entire goddamn universe revolves around her! Oh sure there was a time when it didn't, hey maybe I was even important them. But that's passed and you're completely in love with her. Again." Cordelia looks down.  
  
I want to say that I'm not. But what if I am?  
  
Why the hell shouldn't she sleep with other men if I'm in love with someone else?  
  
I don't know. It's been so long since I was really in love. With Buffy and then with Cordelia, a few years back. A few years used to be nothing to me. Now it seems like forever because everything has changed.  
  
I used to remember it all so clearly. Everything with Buffy and everything with Cordelia. Smiles, kisses, tears. The wedding - the real one and another one that I dreamed a long time ago. Cordy invited Buffy to ours, sent her an invite. She never came of course. And the whole time I felt there was something missing. I stood up there and opened my mouth to speak, take Cordelia as my lawfully wedded wife and then a little memory swept over me. I remembered marrying Buffy and I wondered what I was doing in this here and now. Then it was gone and I shook it all away and said the words.  
  
I loved Cordelia, I did. There's no doubt about that. And maybe I still do a little but not in the way that counts. For a while things were perfect – and with Buffy they were almost perfect and isn't that how they should be? Isn't almost perfect better? I don't know when it all went wrong but it did. This is what is supposed to happen, us ending, and I even *expected* it. So it's kind of funny that I was surprised when it happened. Surprised and hurt and angry and sad and all those emotions that never got in the way when I was Angelus.  
  
I hear Cordy tell me that she's leaving. I hear the words but I don't exactly take them in even though I should. I hear the door slam finally shut and I feel myself crying – I can't remember when I last cried. I'm crying and I don't even know why. It should be because of Cordelia but what if it's not?  
  
I can't stay here, not after what has happened. I don't know where to go, I know where every part of me is wanting to go but it's wrong. It's been a long time since things felt right. That's the thing, I *want* to see Buffy. She's the only person I could possibly talk to. Maybe it's wrong but it's the right kind.  
  
tbc  
  
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	8. Part 8: Buffy

Title: If Only She Knew Part 8/8 (Sequel to come)  
  
Author: Emily  
  
Rating: PG 13  
  
Timeline: Five years after the current seasons of the shows (season six and three)  
  
Pairings throughout fic: A/C, mention of B/S, Xander/Anya, Cordy/Spike, Dawn/Spike, B/A of course.  
  
Summary: Buffy realises her feelings for Angel when he's married to Cordy. Angsty I know but I thrive on happy endings.  
  
Dedication: To everyone on the B/A Warriors mailing list – you guys rock! Also everyone who feedbacked me, Sara and CC especially :)  
  
Distribution: Wild Horses, Eternal Love, anywhere else just ask.  
  
Feedback: I'm going through internet withdrawal and feedback will help me! Pipergal33@yahoo.co.uk  
  
Authors Note: My poor computer has been taken away for weeks, maybe a month. I am entirely netless and can only check mail in computing classes at school, where I'm not meant to. It sucks! If you want to read the first five parts then search through the archives 'cause I only have part 1 up at Wild Horses and only parts two and four on disk. CC could have the whole thing up at Eternal Love, I don't know. It's quite difficult for me to find a way to send these parts out so feedback would make it all worthwhile.  
  
AN2: The last part! I hope you enjoy reading as much as I enjoyed writing and feedback is always welcome. It'll inspire me to write the sequel to this fic where B & A basically resolve things. I think the point of this series (Wow my fic suddenly has a point!) was to say that even if they found other people Buffy and Angel would always end up together. 'Cause Joss loves ho ho's. I don't know yet if the sequel's going to be just one story or a series like this one, what do you guys all think? In fact I don't even have a title. Anyway feedback please :)  
  
  
  
~ If Only She Knew ~  
  
  
  
" I will never ever walk away  
  
I'll find a way "  
  
- Michelle Branch, If Only She Knew  
  
  
  
Part 8: Buffy  
  
I can feel him. I remember how it used to be like that. He would be in Sunnydale, lurking like he always did and I would just know he was there. I can sense him now.  
  
So I step over to the door of my apartment and pull it open.  
  
Oh my God.  
  
Angel's standing there and that doesn't surprise me. What does surprise me is the look on his face. He looks...I don't know, shattered. Something tears inside of me as I remember the last time he looked like that. I don't know how it happens but I'm suddenly taking his arm and pulling him in. Then I shatter a little too as I look at him.  
  
" Angel? What is it?" I ask and lead him into my bedroom when I see the couch littered with old TV guides and an empty popcorn bag from bawling over 'Moulin Rouge' last night. They didn't exactly get a happy ending either. We sit down on the bed.  
  
" Cordy" is all he says.  
  
I should be mad that Angel came to cry on my shoulder about Cordelia. Why couldn't he go to someone who *isn't* inclined to do a happy dance at the sound of bad news about Cordy? But Angel came to me, and he's here so what else can I do?  
  
" What about her?" I say softly, looking at him.  
  
" She...her and Spike. She slept with him" Angel forces the words out.  
  
*Oh*. Girl messed up inside sleeps with Spike. Man have I been there.  
  
" Oh" I say out loud and leave off the rest. Angel really doesn't need to know about this thing I had with Spike right now. Not that he would care so much anymore – and I wonder if he'd even have cared at the time - but still.  
  
I want to tell him I'm sorry but my lips can't form the words because I'm *not*. Is that awful? I'm not sorry that she did that. And a part of me feels kind of happy that she did. God, I feel like such a bitch. There was a time when I would have been so angry at Cordelia for doing this to him but now I feel like maybe it's kind of his fault. He married her, he can deal with all her crap. I'm sorry that he's hurting so much though. Maybe I shouldn't be because God knows I've hurt like that before, over him, but nonetheless I am.  
  
" Do...do you want to talk about it?" I ask, not really wanting to hear but if he wants to talk I'll listen.  
  
Angel shakes his head and I have to wonder why he came here. Because I was the first person that he thought of after Cordy? Because he didn't have her? Because there was nowhere else to go?  
  
Oh God. I look at him and I can't feel angry. Tears are still falling down his cheeks and before I know what I'm doing, my arms are around him. Angel's warm and his arms reach around me too. I suppose it doesn't matter why he came here. And maybe it doesn't even matter that he married Cordelia and I've gone through crap in the last couple of years because he's Angel and I've missed this. Not even the kisses and the 'I love you's, just *this*. Having someone to hold. He's not really mine to hold, but I don't care about that because he's here. This is now.  
  
I pull Angel against me and he's still crying. If I close my eyes and hold him I can imagine those tears are for me.  
  
" It's okay" I tell him, stroking down his back and my hand tangles in his hair. Isn't it strange the way people always say that? At the times when things just aren't okay.  
  
" You'll be okay" I keep saying and he keeps crying. Angels face is buried in my neck and he clings to me like I'm the last thing in the world. I don't even care if I am some last resort and ain't that strange too?  
  
I slide the duvet off my bed and help him under the warm covers. I feel Angel tremble a little and I remember so much that I had tried to not remember.  
  
" You can stay here tonight" I tell him, my voice shaking a little. I get under the covers with him and pull Angel closer to me. His arms tighten around me and he smells of salt tears, sweat and heartache. He presses a little against me, strong arms still clinging and I close my eyes and let myself remember.  
  
Tears prickle my eyes and I sigh. Angel is breathing against me – last time I held him like this he didn't breathe. I can even feel a heartbeat and now my eyes are wet. A heartbeat. Yeah, human equals heartbeat but oh how much I used to imagine this. And it's not like I imagined. The whole situation is nothing like I pictured but it's okay. Maybe it's not supposed to be perfect.  
  
His heart beats and fills my head. Angel isn't crying anymore and that's a good. With a slight surprise I realise he's asleep. I close my eyes, listening to the rhythm of his breathing and feeling the heartbeat in his chest. And I just drift away, sleep and dreams of some fairy tale ending taking me over.  
  
  
  
Fin.  
  
  
  
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